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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  August 28, 2014 2:04am-2:31am PDT

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with kate upton an donald trump. bill, get back to work. good night. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> chris: it's 1059 and 59 seconds. this on youtube.
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rob beckham realized his daughter was taking selfies in the back seat of the car. he took out his own phone to document the experience. [laughing] >> chris: sure you may question the judgment of a man using his phone to secretly video his daughter in the car without a seatbelt blasting passengers. so far the video has two million views. i guess a risk of a fiery death is well worth it. what is this, janet? >> moderator of a nickelback chat room. >> chris: jimmy pardo. >> his facebook post. silence. oh my god. his facebook posts are insulting
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and embarrassing. >> chris: we have to eliminate jimmy pardo. [laughing] >> r.i.p. keufplt april go. >> he posted an instagram of banging her mom for throwback thursday. >> chris: it's time to start @midnight. well done. welcome back to "@midnight" i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are from "you're the worst" on fx and the host of "the jc club" podcast on the nerdist network it's janet varney. welcome to the show. it says in my notes we were in a relationship for seven years. >> so glad they remained to remained you, chris.
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>> chris: the question is how did you tolerate me for seven [beep] years. >> chris: janet a hundred points. >> did i win? chris: excellent "never not funny podcast and guest hosting" the playboy morning show "on playboy tv it's jimmy pardo. also from the "go bayside" podcast live taping at the l.a. podcast festival september 28th it's april richardson. >> chris: right from the headlines it's rapid refresh. [ applause ] hello kitty is most recognizable on everything. forget what you know. in a stunning development the parent company announced the cat face of hello kitty is not a
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cat. what? what what [beep] what? [laughing] >> chris: why would you tell people that? oh oh it sailor moon not a sailor or a moon? come where does this end? this news has shaken fans taking to twitter with hysterical reactions. like@ hellokitty. kitty is half of your name what is this. i don't know what it is. they say it's a human girl whose name is kitty not a cat face. >> i have a hard time masturbating to that, right. [laughing] >> anything? >> i am not. chris: me neither. >> it could be easier. chris: burger king recently purchased tim hortons for
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$11 billion. why on a canadian food chain. they have a direct portal to hell. they summoned the buffalo crunch donuts. [laughing] >> chris: this photographer captured what rob's soul looks like. it's crunchy and spicy with corn chips in the middle. this unholy sweet of a beast is described as pull apart sauce and crushed up chips. >> i guess they're trying to bribe america with all that we love. what is another name for the buffalo crunch donut, janet? >> what kills honey boo boo's mom. >> chris: points. >> i'm fortune telling of course. >> chris: of course. >> chris, i'm going to go --
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hris: do not put your hands there. >> i never been more comfortable. >> chris: you look like an arrogant veloptor raptor. >> i call that [beep] disgusting. >> chris: okay points. april richardson. >> i call that my dinner tonight. what is not delicious about that you liberal elitist. what is not good about that. >> chris: political. it's time for hashtag wars. today was the official start of college football season and coincidentally college binge drinking session. the worst college mascot. the usc broken trojans. theduke blue balls.
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go. >> the academy of dramatic art waiter. >> >> the notre dame duty dunches. chris: let's get out there and fight, erin. >> fight. >> the devie devry student. chris: april. >> the home school thieves. chris: janet. >> the michigan wolverine origin stories. >> chris: excellent points. april. >> the university of oklahoma grand wizards. >> oh, i will tag that. i will tag that. >> the two -- state racist. >> the utah state racist. chris: janet. >> a little -- - bengals.
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chris: oh -- >> that's adorable. chris: i feel we should get back together and breakup again. that brings us to the end of a rocky hashtag war. that brings us to the end of hashtag wars. keep it going. we will be back with more "@midnight." sonic has, like, every slush flavor - someone could ever want. - that's right. this is basically slush headquarters. where sour blue raspberry plans world domination. ( gasps ) what?! announcer: get colorful with new sonic slushes now available with nerds candy. - ( clicks ) - ( phone beeps ) [ male announcer ] if you had a dollar for every dollar car insurance companies say they'll save you
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by switching you'd have, like, a ton of dollars. but how are they saving you those dollars? a lot of companies might answer "um" or "no comment." then there's esurance. born online raised by technology and majors in efficiency. so whatever they save you save. hassle, time, paperwork, hair-tearing out, and, yes, especially dollars. esurance. insurance for the modern world. now backed by allstate. click or call.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." last night@ jay brown bear made this and tweeted it to us. the new threes a company. >> perfect. >> it's perfect. >> for real. >> chrissy. hris: i would watch that. god damn it. now it's time to play wt fda. [ applause ] >> chris: once again amplifying food that shouldn't be stuck in your mouth or anywhere else on your body. give me the tag line to sell the product. here is the first one. a protein dip. janet. >> from, from the deli without the bleachy after taste.
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i'd buy that. >> this is not a food, chris. it's a facial in a can. >> chris: points. >> i mean like -- she's not that far off. i hear it's really good for your boobs. >> oh. >> i have to rethink that. [laughing] >> chris: in the seven years we were together we had sex dozens of times. >> it's not dozen plus two. chris: next one this contagious beverage pardo. >> sars from the maker of sids. >> fever. chris: nice. >> thank you.
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chris: dinner. >> quick someone hold my hair back while i eat this. [laughing] >> chris: points. next one. how about this tasty treat. how about this tasty treat. >> again again again -- >> me. >> would you like to eat my jussipussi. >> chris: april. >> just like mom use to have. make make, make. mom use to make. mom use to make. >> chris: that is the end of wt fda. it's time for our next game.
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review tube. >> my game. my game, buddy. >> chris: a lot of intelligent and informed professionals reviewing products on-line. before i make a big purchase i like to consult amateur reviews on you tube. tell me what these are weighing in on. >> hi, this week i reviewed something i never have before. >> chris: oh, she was going to say what she never reviewed before. nipple clamps or a lightsaber-inspired vibrator. as if we don't use the force. >> i'm going nipple clamps. for sure she has had botox. i know that's not the answer. >> chris: let's find out. >> that is nipple clamps. chris: nice. >> i didn't realize -- it was
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pretty painful. >> chris: right after you can seal an open bag of chips. >> what is a review like nipple clamps like. they really hurt my nipples. checks out. >> chris: next one this southern gentleman. >> alright it's casual -- went to walmart the other day. >> chris: what is he about to do a in depth review of toilet paper or notebook on blu-ray? >> that's a hard choice. i have to go with toilet paper. >> chris: let's find out. >> they say it's 2-ply. it's garbage. i mean when you use this and you wipe you're going to wind up with a handful of [beep].
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>> chris: which by the way is sadder than the notebook on blu-ray. that's the end of review tube. it's time for the live challenge. tch words. now throughout history on a global level it was the playing and then the nuclear bomb. nothing compared to this threat that could wipe out man as we know it i give you foria. a marijuana based female lube lubricant that supposedly produces a 15-minute orgasm. it's creepy. take a look. >> i felt immediately a lot of hate. i actually loved the melting sensation. i was like oh [beep] stop.
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>> chris: you know what else produces that is sitting on the tim horton's buffalo crunch donut. 15 minutes. who wants an orgasm for 15 minutes. >> grandpa pardo. chris: before you lock yourself in the bedroom for the next 12 hours with foria, give us your amazon review for for ya.ya..
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our "name your price" tool helps -- oh, jamie you got a little something on the back of your shoe there. a price tag! danger! price tag alert! oh. hey, guys. price tag alert! is this normal? well, progressive is a price tag free zone. we let you tell us what you want to pay and we help you find options to fit your budget. where are they taking him? i don't know. this seems excessive! decontamination in progress. i don't want to tell you guys your job, but... policies without the price tags. now, that's progressive. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you this newly developed marijuana lubricant for women areas. i asked you guys to give your amazon review of the product. what did you write. jimmy pardo. >> foria is perfect when dave is not there man. >> chris: dave is never there.
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ya right. phra *ugs. >> chris: i don't give points until everyone answers. thank you for watching the show in advance. april. >> i conceived that night and 9 months later gave birth to a papa john's delivery guy. so weed lube works. >> chris: janet varney. >> woke up this morning with a drum sicker until my birth canal and doug benson headlining. >> chris: nice. [cheers and applause] >> a thousand points. chris: points. alright guys. it's time for couch tips. couch tips. >> chris: hooks people up who travel with people who have couchs to sleep on.
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what could go wrong. they have a section for personal safety tips. like if you feel unsafe threatened or in mediate danger remove yourself. thanks, safety tip. they should have a box that you can check, do you have both kidneys. 60 seconds on the clock go. yes april. >> number one travel safety tip. don't be a woman. >> chris: points. jimmy. >> don't use chris: good. points. >> avoid couches made of human skin. >> chris: points. >> i have to finish it though. [laughing] >> chris: one more travel tore go, april. >> consider saving $50 get a hotel room like a god damn adult. >> chris: jimmy . >> you know, chris i don't know a lot about hotel safety but i
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stated at a john wayne gasey express last night. >> use a black light to avoid the [beep] areas. [laughing] >> chris: did you -- [beep] just make -- >> yes, yes. chris: for sure. jimmy . >> bed bugs are high in protein. chris: good. janet. >> that's not chocolate on your pillow. >> oh. chris: points. at least i avoided the. [bleep] area. >> chris: jimmy . >> save time put a tag on your toe. you will be murdered. >> chris: points. april. >> when staying in florida, don't. >> chris: april, points. >> thank you. [ applause ] >> chris: alright. so, jimmy and april, are you tied think you have one more. >> i think we should arm wrestle. [ applause ] >> chris: ready. >> one, two three.
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go. [laughing] >> chris: april richardson merely snapped jimmy pardo's tiny meerkat arm off. the win. jimmy pardo, you're being eliminated by arm wrestling. you didn't go over the top. >> what am i going to do win that. then i'm the -- the boy beat the girl arm wrestling. >> chris: don't even. she kick the [beep] out of you. i was right there. jimmy pardo, everyone. jimmy pardo. right now it's time to bust some goats for the win. >> chris: hi guys tonight for the win is brought to you by reebok. we have a sponsor, thanks shoe.
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>> chris: this has been heavily shared. man 24 pretends to be a ghost by making wooo noises and waving his arms in cemeteries. [laughing] >> chris: no website has perfected the headline like the daily mail. we think you can dig deep and do better. give us a better headline. one of our comedian will be a
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." wipe the slates clean. wipe wipe wipe. i will read the answers allowed. you will decide who will be the winner. the headline: man 24 pretends to be ghost making woo noises and waving arms in a cemetery. then there is a mystery machine. it's old man skinner.
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>> i think it's withers. chris: i'm asorry. >> i'm a bit of an expert on scooby doo. >> chris: whrat wro. we put this on tupl tumbler earlier. now let's see your head lines. first one. first one. local weirdo caught digging up corps, weekend at bernie's redo. turns out they were not union. [ applause ] >> chris: next one. next one. weirdo in cemetery claims he's patrick situationy and demands to speak to whoopi goldberg. who is number two? janet varney!
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i hope this makes up for everything now. janet varney, see you guys tomorrow night. our guest will be drew carey, brendan walsh and. until then keep the games going at @midnight. good night. see you ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ ow! ♪ ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah. ♪ [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] [cheering and applause] announcer: dave chappelle! oh, wow... man. welcome, welcome to the chappelle show, everybody. thanks for coming out, man i am your, um, host. [laughs] [laughter]
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